The darkest night

It’s a mess.

We made a mess of this world. No blame. I don’t think any of us knows how we ended up here.

I have a hard time accepting that this is what is. I like to believe that it’s all meant to be. That helps, sometimes. It helps to believe that everything happens in the eye of a bigger intelligence. That it’s just us humans that cannot zoom out with our limited minds. I’ve always been very good at finding my ways around reality. ‘Lalaland’, my therapist calls it. It’s the place I like to go when I don’t want to be here.

I do believe people are kind in essence. Like the animal that only kills when she’s hungry. This mess, it’s not intentionally, I really don’t believe so. We’re just…split. We got split between I and all, between me and you, between up and down. We got proud. Pride, is what happens when we think we control ourselves. We don’t do it on purpose, but that’s the whole point. We’re toddlers driving bulldozers. ‘Oops. I didn’t mean to kill the cat, mommy.’

I’m one of them, humans. That’s maybe the hardest part to take in. I have a consciousness that knows I’m a toddler in a bulldozer. My impact in this world is bigger than I want it to, and I don’t know how I got here. I’m using the resources of this earth and I have not learned to return to her. I am taking in, but am illiterate when it comes to giving back. Split. What do I do?

I have tried moving to Lalaland, but it’s not an easy place to stay. For a while it feels good to escape my humanness. But then I get hungry, cold and lonely, and I’ll have to come back to earth. I know this is where I belong, but I forgot how to.

It’s hard, to know people kill people. To see people hungry. To see animals suffering. To feel forests crying. How is this my problem? F-ck off! I don’t want problems. Back to Lalaland I go, until it gets dark there too.

So here I am, standing in the midst of all. Did I come to fight? There many ways to go about this, you know. I know. But sometimes I wonder if it matters. Does it matter? ‘Yes, it matters!’ I tell myself and I go about. I learn how to listen. I learn to use my capacities as a healer. I find new curiosity, that keeps me moving. I try to kill as least as possible. I try to be kind. I try to feel, I try to heal. I know about breathing, about moving, about minds. I know about structures and patterns of the psyche. I have the faith of a woman saving the world.

So here I am with my pompoms and my songs and my dances, trying to bring good vibes and connection. Down the spiral I go. I am saving the unsavable. Rescuing the unrescuable. It’s all movement away from myself. I am in the midst. Everywhere I look is everything. What am I supposed to do? How do I move in this bloody mess? Who put me here in the first place?

Can you see? I am not surrendering. I am proud. Proud of my mind, proud to mean something in this world. See me! I am a good person. I will never kill. I will never harm nature. And yet I do, yet I convince myself I don’t. I am proud. I am a good person.

I won’t surrender. I won’t give up. I won’t admit that me too, I am a messed up human.

Oh, if I would, I would shout: ‘I’ve got no f*cking clue! No clue, about what the hell I am doing.’. I would surrender my head down to the earth and whisper: ‘take me.’ But I’m not doing that, ‘cause I am saving the world. I am proving my worth. I am going about.

The sincere longing is obvious: I need to belong. I need to belong here. Not there, not in the midst, here. I need to belong with you and I cannot rest when I’m not granted my place. I am a human, born without intrinsic understanding of belonging. Thus, I make sure to make an impact, and this impact is destroying the very world I’d like to belong to. Split, I told you.

What happened? You might wonder. I wonder too. How did I end up in this place? No wonder I am trying to get out. ‘The only way out, is through’, or so they say. I don’t know where is through, or how is through. But I do know now, that trying to get out of the mess, is not through.

So here I am, in the darkest night. Dazzled.

‘Take me’, I whisper. ‘Take everything, that takes me away from you.’